I AM PREGNANT! First Trimester Thoughts
By: Shelby Williams
I have been wanting to write this for sooooo long!!! I feel like I have been pregnant forever and just want to share everything with yall. We are so excited to grow our family and this is such a joyous time. This news has also come with soooooo many other emotions. Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, postpartum depression and traumatic birthing experiences. I really get into it all. This is not a lighthearted post, so please skip if you don’t feel this is for you. I have had many messages that are along these lines though. I just want to help people feel not so alone :)
First off, I don’t want anyone to think that I am not grateful for being pregnant. I know how much of a blessing this is and I feel so lucky to be able to get pregnant for the second time. I just want to highlight how nuanced the emotions with pregnancy can be. I used to look at people so weird who didn’t feel only joy during their pregnancy. I couldn't relate! During my first pregnancy, yes I had some physical symptoms, but I was just so freakinnn hyped to be pregnant and that my life was changing. I had no other emotions besides pure joy. I mean when I was pregnant with my first I thought that I wanted to be a surrogate. Nope not anymore lol
The logical part of my brain and body does not want me to be pregnant. It wants to protect me from any heartache that I endured with my first pregnancy. It is like, “What are you doing?!! Why this again?!” I had such a hard labor and delivery. You name the problem and Holden and I had it. After 37 hours I was dying and he was dying. In hindsight I should have gotten a C-section but the doctors didn’t know what was happening. They just kept telling me that he needs to come out now and to push harder. We found out after that Holden had a true knot in his umbilical cord so every time he would start to come out, the umbilical cord knot got tighter and tighter, cutting off his blood supply. When he was born and they laid him on my chest, he was completely gray and lifeless. They moved him over to another table and did CPR for about 4 minutes and they were able to revive him. I haven’t really processed any of this until getting pregnant again. I was just so happy that Holden was alive. I had a baby!!! I didn’t really feel like I had anything to process. And now that I am pregnant again, those very clear memories are flooding back to me and making my body go into a flight or fight response. I remember every second from that birth. I thought you were supposed to forget about the pain and trauma of birth?? Lol I sure haven’t!
Following the wild birthing experience I had horrible postpartum depression and suicidal thoughts. I was able to get help and come out of it soooo much stronger. I am learning about myself in so many beautiful ways. I wasn’t on the best path before Holden was born and didn’t really change my habits after so this was a huge wake up call. Holden helped bring me to rock bottom so that I could make big changes and level up! I am so happy that I went through all of this. It changed my life for the better.
So I get why part of myself is trying to protect me again and doesn’t want to be pregnant. It literally feels like my body is fighting me and saying that this brought a lot of heartache last time. But I know that it is so incredibly worth it. I would do it all over a million times for him. I also want a bigger family, a sibling for Holden, I have more love to give and so does the rest of my family. Lastly, I want another little one running around, but it has been so hard for me to get past the ptsd of my birth and postpartum mental health. I am starting to feel better physically from the first trimester fatigue and nausea, so I am getting more excited and I have also been telling myself that it is ok to feel this way. It is ok to feel this way and let it move through me and not to fight it.
Being pregnant is a full on portal. If you tap into it and let it happen, you are so much more connected with the universe and what is beyond. You have one foot in the next life because you are literally creating a life!!! HOW COOL! I feel more creative, more love in my body, more calm, more patience, and just more connected. It is not beautiful 100% of the time. I feel like it is so messy, and I feel guilty for feeling this way. I hate that I am doubting myself. I hate that I am putting myself out there to the possibilities for heartbreak to happen. I have been finally processing how hard his entry into the world was. We had tongue tie surgery, it took him 20 days to latch breastfeeding, he wore a helmet, he went to pt for walking, he never slept, along with my depression and anxiety and ocd. And that all is fine and really doesn’t get to me, I mean what did I expect, he is my child and I have countless weird health things too. It just wasn’t an easy transition into motherhood even though being a mother is the greatest gift I could have ever been gifted. What a whirlwind. If you have kids, you know. I don’t expect things to get any easier and 10000% expect them to get harder.
I am just working through the ptsd and how I can be here fully for this new little angel. I fully believe Ryan, Holden, Max and I were put into each other's lives for a reason. That we were meant to be. I have never felt so connected and purposeful than with these 3. I feel like Holden and I have known each other in other lives. And my whole family continues to teach me new life lessons every single day. I am in awe of them. And I can’t wait to meet our little addition. Having another little angel addition to our family is what we all need. I know it and feel it deep down. It may just not be a very easy road to get there. If you ever feel like you are experiencing these types of thoughts, please reach out to someone. WE GOT THIS, MAMAS!
